To Whom it May Concern,

I am corresponding today to voice my extreme displeasure with respect to a recent experience at one of your fine dining establishments.

Only a few short weeks ago my offices dispatched a missive to your company in which I praised the mediocre perfection that is the Egg McMuffin, despite my better sensibilities. Those better sensibilities have finally won out: I withdraw my praise entirely.

I've been to McDonald's many times. As a child, I looked forward to McNuggets, McRibs, the quarter-pounder with cheese; when I traveled, it was McPork, McBier, "Oriental" McNuggets, and so on. Above all, though, I always had strong feelings for the Egg McMuffin.

Growing up, I lost my taste for your over-engineered food products and grew both weary and wary of your company. At last, I reached a point where I didn't like your food, or your ideology... but, I still loved your Egg McMuffin. It was like a dim-witted date who's kind of lousy at everything: pedestrian to the point of boring, inept, unattractive, generally unlikable, but sometimes just what the doctor ordered anyway. I couldn't help myself.

The superficial goodness of the Egg McMuffin sandwich is the product of careful balance between several otherwise utterly unappetizing components. It's a dance of opposites, a poem of contradiction, a still life that doesn't make any sense but is pretty anyway. It has an unholy, yet still divine synergy.

Just in review, let's consider the essentials involved in a nearly-perfect Egg McMuffin:

        1) Mealy, yet slightly toasted and lightly steamed preservative-laden
        English muffin with butter flavoring (very preferably with a few charry bits);

        2) Sickly-sweet mostly-melted American cheese product;

        3) Thin rind-on piece of flavor-treated Canadian bacon that
        invites comparisons to shoe leather;

        4) Puck-like, overcooked factory-farmed chicken egg, slightly
        greasy, under-seasoned;

        5) Butterlicious "compound";

Change any of these elements, though, and instead of inexplicable yet sublime Americana perfection, one has a horror dreadful: a Thing indicative of corporate conditioning, low expectations, unimaginative blandness, and such spirit-crushing soullessness that its abyssal depths would be so shallowly plumbed in evoking a expletive miasm that I won't bother. In short, you get something so unspeakably terrible that surely its likes could only be described in that dread tome of Abdul Alhazred, the "Necronomicon"-- if even he could have done it justice.

I'm afraid that's exactly what happened to me on my last visit to your (for tact's sake rather than the lack of a better word) "outlet". Had I known how my life would change as a result of that experience, I'd have sequestered myself in a locked cellar, chewed multiple tablets of rat poison, and chased everything down with cheap peach schnapps for as long as it took; this would have been vastly preferable to what actually happened.

Oh, sure, it came in a wrapper clearly labeled "Egg McMuffin", yet what horror lurked inside! The same stale, soggy-yet-crunchy English muffin, the same glue-like cheese product,  the same unnaturally perfect disc of tough, chemical-ridden ham-- yet, the egg! Oh, dear god, the egg! It was hideous! Some sort of wet, flavorless, folded skin of what might have once-- in the Dark Ages-- have hoped to become a scrambled egg! And then, there was the smell.

Did my senses deceive me? No. They were working overtime to warn me away from danger. Fighting all my instincts, telling myself "it will be okay", I took a bite-- and fell from the guilty height of genuine anticipation into a chasm of near-suicidal depression in just one instant.

It was as if the absence of the egg puck had somehow damaged the Ether itself, and the Universe's equilibrium at the location of the McMuffin had created a ley-point of cosmic retribution for my culinary sin.

From that first unfortunate taste, my hopefulness turned into terror. The egg unfurled deeply and forcefully into my mouth, violating my guts like the tentacles of a slime-dwelling Deep One, as the McMuffin's uglier side come out: it turned mean and aggressive. Like Roberto Duran facing down a hapless chump, the sandwich was going to slam me to the canvas for sure-- but not before it had also mocked, molested, punished, and humiliated me so badly that I could never face it again.

Instead of playing its manufactured-yet-silky richness against the too-firm, yet also erotically hot, slick, slightly-yielding egg, and a drug-like hit of ham flavoring all texturally tempered with an absorbing, vaguely toothsome breadishness, that insipid cheese product worked itself into my mouth like stale hide glue. My tender palette was brutally scraped with harsh chunks of scratchy old muffin, the spaces between my teeth spewed with a gum-scalding, pasty mortar of factory-farmed pig parts and hot grease, leaving behind only the aftertaste of Capitalism gone wrong.

In place of what I'd expected-- firm, resilient chewing pleasure followed by the vigorous satisfaction of swallowing warm McMuffin perfection, the scalding, soppy, gummy mess I barely could force down left me feeling used and guilty for ever allowing myself to get hungry enough to let the Golden Arches dupe me again. It was wretched.

Nothing can ever erase that day, McDonald's, and nothing can convince me to take back the Egg McMuffin and forgive the sort of pain and especially betrayal this bilious experience has made me feel. I can't understand what I ever saw in that sorry excuse for an egg sandwich, or in the chillingly over-pleasant décor of your yellowed cafeterias to begin with.

This has made me reconsider a lot. I can't take things back, but I can move on. I am explaining why I'm never returning, in the hope that maybe there's someone at your company who might listen and understand what I've gone through. I'd grimace, but your marketing department's already thought of that.

If life's too damn short to deal with the King, it's too short to spend dining with a Clown.

Sincerely,

_Jesse Williamson ;-};

I've been tipping back pints of Southern Oregon Brewing Co.'s Le Freaqué Cascadian Dark Ale rather religiously for the past month or so, and I keep finding myself espousing its excellence to curious beer drinkers around me.  It's probably time I wrote about it here.

When I wrote about our brewery trip last month, I mentioned the KLCC collaboration brews that several Oregon breweries created.  Le Freaqué is a product of that collaboration, and it's not your average CDA.  It's brewed with a good measure of rye and partially with a Belgian yeast strain, giving it a remarkable depth and complexity.  Some might say that there's too much going on in this beer, but I think it all comes together in such a dance across the palate that I am always surprised it's only $4 a pint.

It pours an opaque black with a tan head and mediocre lacing.  On the nose are aromas of coffee, flowery hops, and Belgian yeast.  The beer is wonderfully malty, with burnt flavors, strong hops, and delicious fruity esters throughout.  I'm going to be very, very sad when this beer runs out, and can only hope that the excellent folks at SOB plan to make it a regular brew.

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I missed Earth Day, which would have been the perfect time to write on this subject, but recently caught an article about the greenness of clasic style on Off The Cuff.  Chris Hogan argues that quality clothing is environmentally friendly because it can last for decades without going out of style, and usually can be repaired instead of simply discarded.  These are great arguments, and are entirely true.  I would also theorize that custom-made clothing and shoes have a smaller carbon footprint, though I have absolutely no data to back up that idea.

We should also consider again Lord Whimsy's tramp æsthetic, however, and that most people who dress themselves well do so for only a short time, and their clothing ends up in thrift stores.  It can be a hunt, and will rely more on serendipity than the careful planning espoused by Mr. Hogan, but the finds can be glorious treasures.  Tweed jackets in interesting patterns and colors, neckwear of all variety (including ascots and knit ties), and interesting footwear have all been mine for a song.  Classic braces (suspenders, you know) can cost $60 brand new, but are often found at a thrift store for $3 or less, needing just minor repairs.

Lord Whimsy's approach to style is not for everybody, however, and the tramp æsthete can frequently spend more time among the shabby aisles of Goodwill than a man willing and able to frequently spend a handful of large bills on brand-new high-quality clothing.  But for one with time, dedication, and just a bit of good luck, thrift stores and their gems and treasures should not be overlooked.
Thackeray-Vanity_Fair.jpgAs I mentioned in my recent interview, I'm currently reading Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray.  Vera and I are also planning a long stay in Costa Rica, a country which seems to be woefully short on quality beer.  So when I came across this great passage in the book, it really struck a chord with me, and though I'm not sure if London's 19th century porters would have had the same effect today, the sentiment is still sound.

"If I had time and dared to enter into digressions, I would write a chapter about that first pint of porter drunk upon English ground.  Ah, how good it is!  It is worth while to leave home for a year, just to enjoy that one draught."

Every country and every land has some commonplace drink or dish which elicits such feelings, I'd gather.  In Canada it's probably poutine.  What is it in your neck of the woods?

HUB-Secession.jpgI was fortunate to receive a bottle of Hopworks Urban Brewery's relatively new Secession Black IPA.  Now, I don't want to talk too much about the hubbub surrounding the name of this style, but H.U.B. makes a clever nod to the Casdadian Dark Ale camp with a nice map of Cascadia on the bottle.

Secession pours a lovely black with hints of ruby when held up to the light.  The head is thick, tan, and displays excellent retention and very nice lacing.  Its floral, grassy, hoppy nose also contains a few fruity yeast notes, and promises a tasty draught.

Black IPA (or IDA or CDA or what-have-you) is swiftly becoming one of my favorite styles, and this beer is a great example of it.  Chocolate and coffee play seesaw with piney, citrusy hops, and it is an enjoyable balance.  Lurking in the back are some ester flavors from the yeast that add a wonderful finishing touch to this great beer.  I would strongly recommend the Secession Black IPA for those interested in this emerging style, and would certainly suggest having one with a cigar, a heavy, spicy meal, or just an afternoon in the sun.

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The other day I went to the local tobacco shop and picked up a handful of cigars.  I was looking for something cheap but still not horrible, so kept most of my purchases under $4.  Today I'm reviewing the Vista de Cuba by Oliveros, which is a medium-sized belicoso with not the most attractive wrapper.  It's sort of a lumpy cigar, but it burns surprisingly well and keeps a nice, even ash.  For the price, it's really remarkably tasty, and I think might beat out my previous favorite cheap cigars.

I'm keeping this short, because I'm not sure a cigar this inexpensive deserves a deep analysis.  But I think I can safely say that at $3.00 a stick, the Vista de Cuba is really, certainly worth the price.
Boulevard-Saison_Brett.jpgLast week we had the pleasure of sampling the Smokestack Series from Boulevard Brewing Company.  This brewery, while well-known in some parts of the country, is just beginning to make its way to Southern Oregon, so I was quite excited to sample their beers.  Because my sour beer palate has finally begun to develop, I was particularly looking forward to their Saison-Brett, which is not the same as the Saison listed on their website.  We also had their Double-Wide IPA, Long Strange Tripel, and Sixth Glass Quadrupel to sample.  All four of these beers came in 750mL basket-corked bottles.

The one thing that struck me as curious about all four of these beers was the style of carbonation.  I was able to pull a nice head on each beer, but never anything thick and meringue-like, and neither did they have the champagne effervescence of, say, Meantime London Porter.

We tried the IPA first, and it poured a cloudy, unfiltered gold with a nice off-white head.  It struck me that it had sort of an old malt flavor, probably indicative of a little bit of age, and strongly astringent hops.  It was not as hoppy as a Pacific Northwest IPA, and had a nice complexity to it.  But I am not much of an IPA guy, and was eager to move on to the other three beers.
FSW-DBA.jpgDown at Elements I was happy to find Firestone Walker Double Barrel Ale on tap.  This is a great English-style ale from a very interesting brewery that recently won the World Beer Cup for the third time.  They are, it seems, the overachievers of the beer world at the moment, and for that, I praise the beer gods.  Unlike so many other breweries, they have not been putting forth gigantic hop bombs and sugary extreme beers (their website, for instance, calls 38 IBUs "medium-high"), but instead produce a line of really excellent pale ales.  Those I have tried are all wonderfully drinkable, pair great with bar food, and make me long for a second pint.

The DBA pours an unassuming amber-brown with a pale, whitish head.  There was not a lot of retention, as you can see in the photo, but there was some very nice lacing.  It has a clean, faint aroma that just barely hints at its 32 IBUs worth of hops, and promises a mellow, malty happiness to the eager palate.

Indeed, this beer has a nice, sturdy body with notes of hazelnut and a malty smoothness that work well together and do not overwhelm the palate.  There is a slight fruity flavor accompanying very mellow hops and a tiny amount of dryness.  Overall, it is a well-balanced, highly drinkable beer that made me yearn both for fish and chips and a second pint.  This is a great beer to pair with brisk spring days, a bushy moustache, or spinning fantastic yarns to your pals.  Highly recommended!

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Beer and Taxes

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Once in my early twenties, while taking a break from my taxes, I decided to write up a list of where my precious, measly pay had been spent.  Housing had accounted for $6,000; books and music an estimated $1,300; and I worked in the restaurant industry so food costs were nominal.  To my great surprise, when I had calculated out my beer budget, a whopping $2,100 had gone to---you guessed it---the glorious Pabst Brewing Company.  It was a staple that continually needed to be stocked: a welcoming offered to every visitor and consumed with relish, like Irish soda bread or tea.  Not once do I remember a nose being turned up at it, as I can only imagine my nose would be prone to do today.  I don't know if there were many beer snobs in Richmond, Virginia, at that time, but if there were they certainly weren't running in my circles.

Upon moving to Southern Oregon from Costa Rica, the only libation I craved was the cheap, clean, astringency of guaro (sugar cane rum) and coconut water.  There was none to be had.  I had noticed that the convenient store coolers here in Medford carried more than the average Coors, Miller, and Budweiser trio.  I spotted numerous Ninkasi and Lagunitas branded hoodies on the same scenesters that I once would have assumed were PBR diehards.  It wasn't until boredom brought me into the specialty bottle shop, Bear Creek Beers, that I did begin to comprehend how vast the world of beer truly is.   Confronted with hundreds of glistening bottles, I requested anything with a high alcohol content and the dapper young beer monger directed me to the Celebrator doppelbock from Ayinger.   A relatively high 6.7% was cloaked under a taste that I simply couldn't put a finger on, and to be quite honest, repulsed me.  It seemed to my untrained palate like a Heineken that had been reduced on a slow burner for hours.   At $3.70 a bottle I choked it down, the perplexed salesman trying to puzzle out what caused my face to pucker so.  Upon multiple returns we determined that a rich Black Boss Porter was more to my liking and the most likely offender was Munich malt, used in many German beers.  It was a revelation that such an subtle aftertaste could be pinned down and  attributed to a region and style.  Beer was beginning not to be just beer.

The first day I heard of Hollandaise was the very same day I was attempting to make a half gallon vat of it to the sounds of a moaning and very frustrated souse chef at a job I had chanced my way into.   For two years he patiently introduced me to the basics of the culinary world.  Mirepoix and truffles and duxelles, oh my!   After my stint at The Jefferson  food was never the same.  I wonder at the homogeny of my former diet.  How I could have lived in a world void of the occasional daikon salad or 12-year aged balsamic dressing?   Now, after a season of winter warmers, drinkable session lagers,  rich barley wines, effervescent Belgians, smoky rauchbier, and nectar-like lambics, I am left pondering much the same.  The ever-hoppy IPAs help to define the Northwest in my mind, as ESBs leave me looking forward to trips to London.   Guiness is left by the wayside behind heady coconut porters and Young's Double Chocolate Stout.  Beautiful experimental  beers such as Dogfish Head's World Wide Stout or New Belgium's Lips of Faith series continue to challenge the palate.   Luckily my area also has two fantastic microbreweries, Caldera and S.O.B., to satiate my desire to support local businesses.
  
If you are interested in expanding your beer horizons don't be shy.  Like Guinness?  Try a Murphy's Irish Stout.  Is New Castle your style?  Try a Samuel Smith Nut Brown.  I've found many ladies who gravitate to the more fruity beers also love the over the top IPAs like Russian River's Pliny the Elder or Oscar Blues' Gubna.  But most of all, keep trying, because tastes, like all good things, mature.  To which I owe the illustrious Munich malt an apology, for now I find you absolutely delectable.

Mackerel Stout?

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I was reading over on "I might have a glass of beer" that BrewDog has made a mackerel stout.  If that sounds too strange for you, then perhaps you should become familiar with oyster stout.

I have never had a very impressive palate for wine.  Most of the time I can tell what I like and what I don't like, and from time to time I can be lucky enough to pick up on one of those elusive aromas wine geeks are always talking about.  "Blackberry," usually.  Sometimes "pepper."  I have never really had the best of luck with tobacco, leather, pit fruits, flowers, duck fat, or any of those other weird things that people pick up in wine flavors.  But I am sure they are there.  I have seen people identify wine regions, grapes, alcohol content, and other impressive things by taste alone, and there is one isolated case where I usually can do a good job, too.

It was a bottle of 2007 RoxyAnn Claret that first made me stop and think about this interesting flavor I was tasting.  I think I would describe it as "peppery," but what I knew for sure was that it was delicious.  It was a flavor I ran into frequently in Claret-style wines, and I just couldn't figure out what it was.  Clarets were delicious, but usually rather expensive.  Why did they taste so good?  Was I just paying for quality?  These questions plagued me, and obviously deserved some investigation.  So I put on my favorite battered fedora, pulled out my magnifying glass, and grabbed some Riedel stemware, and began to work on this puzzle.
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